Feeling rather low

I've been living in hope that the IVA finishes in March of next year, however it looks very much like they will make us go on for another 12 months, even though they have got PPI from both of us, just on all my PPI they will have received getting on for £25,000!  I really do hope we get to March and they say we have paid enough to them, because I really can't stand living in this house with him any longer, the sooner I can get some money saved up for a deposit on a house for me and the kids then the sooner I can sell up this one and leave.

Little things add up and make me very stressed, such as my car needs a new fuel injector but the miserable git I married won't do it, yes I know he is a mechanic but apparently he couldn't do it the other week because it was raining and then because even though he told me he was taking time off to repair my car, he had in fact not brought any tools home to do it!  So I have to pay a garage somewhere in the region of £450 to get it done, and the smell coming in to the car from the leaking fuel injector is horrendous and makes me feel really unwell.  So I have to spend the Christmas money on getting the car fixed.

My daughter keeps making financial demands, currently she has spent £26 over and above the £120 I have saved up for her Christmas, so I either withhold a few weeks pocket money so that I only have to give my son £120 or I have to squeeze out another £26 for him to give him the same amount!

Now she wants me to buy her a cinema ticket for the latest Hunger Games movie, and no doubt will need taking and retrieving, which means using fuel, which is something I can't afford either, the extra journey is going to cost me a fair bit as well, because she is not going to our local cinema, oh no, her friends are going to the cinema in the next town, so it's a 20 mile round trip rather than 6 miles at most if she went locally.

The miserable git I married has decided that we ARE having turkey on Christmas day even though the only person who likes turkey is him, he has ordered a whole turkey from the farm shop, yes a whole one all for him!  I asked if I can have a gammon joint for Christmas day as well, as it can be cooked the night before, and now he wants chinese takeway on Christmas Eve, yes we have endless amounts of cash for that, dont we?  I need to get car fixed, get one of the dogs booster's done, give son his Christmas money, no presents for the daughter as she has used all her cash on McBusted tickets and a few other bits that she already has.

I despair, I am sure he thinks I have a secret slush fund of thousands that I have somehow kept from him, I have about £200 that I really need to go towards that car repair he won't do!  Plonker.

I find myself back at the crying myself to sleep stage again, and there do seem to be people who just don't understand, someone at work was saying they had got all their presents for work colleagues including me and I said I'm sorry but you probably won't even be getting a card from me let alone a present, I can't even get the kids anything extra this year, not even a box of chocs!

I just want the IVA to be over so I can get the car repaired when I want, so I don't have to say no to extra trips out because I don't have the money to pay for the fuel for that extra trip, so I can buy a treat for me or kids of a few pounds if I want, so I can get the pets vaccinated when they need it, and not just when I can afford it.  So I can live without thinking - do I NEED the heating on, can we get through this day with it off again?

He just goes out and spends the whole time, I think to myself things like we only need bread and milk, and everything else is in the freezer or cupboards, but then he comes home having spent £30 on food/alcohol that we don't actually need because I have done the big shop and stocked up on meat and frozen stuff and tinned/packets.  I buy rice in big sacks and pasta in 5kg bags because it is cheaper, I know we seem to eat the same meals every week but choice is not something we can afford, so we ring the changes with spag bol, chilli, a chicken meal maybe a curry sauce with rice or a pasta sauce and pasta meal, a stew, bulked out with cheap root vegetables.  If he wants fancy food then he's gonna have to wait until we can afford it, why can't he understand this, he has never taken control of the finances just spent to the wire every month and when we had an overdraft right up to the limit of it every month, I have repeatedly paid off his overdraft, and time and time again he would just run it back up as soon as it was paid off, I'd add it to my bank loan, same with his credit card debt, the bank would get me to pay off his credit card with MY loan, and then lo and behold not long later he would have £2000 back on the card again, WTF was he spending it on???  It wasn't me!  It wasn't the house, it was DVD's, VHS tapes, books, CD's, he'd have nice clothes, good food, good wine, and meals out, he'd go to the cinema a lot, he would go to the museum frequently which is 120 mile round trip, which fuel wise is a lot if you go twice a month.  He would just spend, spend, spend and he never ever and still doesn't think of the consequences!

When he insisted we got married in 1995, when I wanted to wait and save up, he didn't understand how tight a budget we had, nor did his mother, she insisted we had to invite all these people I had never met, and to have flowers and all sorts of stuff, and we couldn't afford it, when I said this is what we can afford right now, she then rang my parents and got them to go halves on the wedding, I didn't want my parents to pay for my wedding, they didn't have enough money as it was, and really couldn't afford to pay for my wedding.  If I hadn't been so ill maybe I would have been able to stand up to him and his mother and get my own way, but I just retreated under the duvet and let it happen, and tried to ignore as much as I could.

I can't stand it much longer, I really need to leave and for it to be me, the kids and the pets and if we struggle financially after that then I only have myself to blame and no one else, but I will NOT be paying off any more of HIS debts once the IVA is paid.  I will save up my share of the IVA money once it is ended to pay for me to leave, and if he then spends everything that is in the bank account every month then he only has himself to blame when we get to separation time and he has no money saved up, he needs to be responsible for his actions, as I can no longer be and no longer want to be.

Rant over, normal service will be resumed when I get a life without him :)

Are we on THE UP?

Been wondering about how well I've been doing in myself, had a few downers 'cos it was the first anniversary of mum's death and yesterday was her birthday, probably explains why I've a huge boil/spot erupting behind my right ear.

Well I've been off  my tablets fully, not even sniffed em, well OK, I've had them out and looked at em just to make sure how many I have etc, but anyway I've been off them 5 months and 12 days!  Wooo....well done me.  

I've successfully submitted my second essay for the current OU course, a week ahead of schedule, so given myself a week off from intensive study, though all my materials are ready to look at and read through already.

I've decided as I looked at my gold members card for Weight Watchers on Wednesday that I can be 10st 7lbs again, or somewhere near it, so I have started the couch to 5k plan, so far I have done week 1, days 1 and 2, today is day 3!  Which I will be off to do when I've written my blog, I admit it is killing me, but I am having porridge for breakfast, and then going out to crawl around the woods like an asthmatic slug.  Lets just say I am very unfit!

Apparently in 9 weeks I will be running 5k (3miles for the old school people) with no problems.....ermmm...well I'll get back to you all on that one!

I've been to see the BF a few times recently, we had lunch on Wednesday, which was when I looked at the WW card...he doesn't mind me porky but as I am 3st over my max weight for height it would be nice to be perhaps only 1st over that level....pipe dreams??  No, it shouldn't be because I have the shiny gold card that proves to me I can do it, I was there 10yrs ago and I can be that weight again, or near it.

Ok, I need to go get ready to wander down to the woods in the rain, where a) no one will see me and b) I can collapse on a bench if needed!

Nearly Easter!

Well Easter weekend is nearly here and I am due to be working Sat, Sun and Mon nights.  I also have to take BC to her guitar lesson this Saturday, so that means that between the muttley and the muppet and the kids I had better get a lie in!

I'm shattered today, went to see the BF and we were both so exhausted that we both fell asleep and woke up at 1.15 when we should have been out for lunch!  Ooops!

I have saved up enough money to get the car serviced next week!  Wooooo! Also getting the rear wiper arm replaced at the same time, they only cost a tenner but they are a sod to remove, so may as well pay them to do it for me!  Car hasn't been serviced for 2 years.

This week was the 2nd anniversary of the BF's mum passing away, and next month will be the 1st anniversary of my mum passing away, unfortunately this collides with the BF's birthday and an event at church that they want a representative from the guide unit to go to, which is the 2nd week of the 1st aid badge, so I don't really want to go as we are getting someone in to do it with the girls and I have to pay for the privilege, TBH only a donation for services as the girl doing the badge is fundraising for her GOLD trip this year by running meetings.

We had parents meeting for camp, out of 17 kids only 3 of ours signed up and my AG needs 8 to take her licence, so I have had to beg another unit to ask their girls which means we now have 9!  Yeah!

I seem to have so much to pay out for this month, car tax, service, new rabbit hutch is needed, new parts for the fridge as the M1 decided to break the salad drawer and the drink holder on the inside of the door. WM wants a monitor to go with the computer he has built so he wants his birthday money 2 months early, this is OK as I have it, but now he is arguing the toss with BC about wanting paying for the TV he was going to give her so he can use his new monitor rather than the TV with his computer!

I have a lounge piled high with boxes ready to pack the car for camp in 2 weeks but I have had to take them out of the car for it's service next week and we are also going on a Coven mini-break to Edinburgh next week, (1 night only - you'll be safe) to check out the places we want to go with the guides in August when we go to stay in a brownie house up there!

One of my other AG's at guides got married 2 weeks ago, I went on my own, I had to show the M1 the booking form for the guest house to prove that I was on my own, and when I started with a panic attack and I rang him from the guest house he again asked who was with me, well obviously I kidnapped the sexy Irish barman and dragged him back cos in my befuddled panic attack state that seemed sensible!  Ermmmm, I'm on my own love, it's a single room, I've told you this!  I was sat at the wedding like Billy-no-mates cos I really only knew the bride, I've never met her parents or sister though I am friends with them on FB.

Anyway it is late and I need my sleep, I may declare tomorrow a pyjama day, once I've sent kids to school, got my OU assignment in last Friday so don't need to worry about that, and I am now 2 weeks ahead of myself with my reading too!

See ya folks

Wendy x

having oodles of fun!

Well I'm not enjoying my new OU course at all, it is very dry and boring, only 3.5 units in, so here's hoping at some point the other 20 units start to pique my interest!

BC gone out to town, the miserable one has taken WM out to town to meet his mates too, WM moaned at me yesterday cos I wouldn't let him go to town on bus from ours, hes' 12 and very un-street! Told him he'd get mugged/rapped/murdered/conned if I let him go on own on bus to next town along, not even going into our town but the next along!! And it's about an hr and half on bus...no way Jose!

I have lost 5.5 lbs now in 3 weeks just by watching calorie intake rather than by doing any daft eating plan, no counting points or red/green days etc just how many cals in it, does it put me over the 1670 for the day I am meant to eat if I want to lose weight??  Anyway I'll be at the weight I was before x-mas in a few weeks so that will be good.

I can't find the trousers I want to wear for a wedding next week which is very annoying, I may have to try find another pair in the shops this week, not sure what size I need so I'll have to try some on too.  Wonder what I've done with the suck it in pants too???

Haven't seen the BF for a while, was supposed to go see him last week but he had to go to minor injuries for a splinter removing from his finger!  

Got a funeral next week, first one of the year, doing well to get to March before a funeral!  Funeral and wedding in the same week...

New dog settling in well....

Right off now, got work tonight so gonna have an ickle bit of a nap before I have to get up and showered etc!

W x

I hate being sick

I decided last night along with BC to be violently ill!  It appears norovirus is rampaging around work and we have both got it!  BC threw up in the shower as she was getting ready for bed, I ended up curled up in bed with her, 2 dogs and at least 1 cat, until about 00.30 when I had to run to go be sick too!  Not fun.

The new lab has settled in well, and her nose is much improved but the fur is growing through white where the scar is.

Haven't seen the BF for a while, again our shifts seem to keep clashing.

The miserable one was very good this morning and took WM to school, but I think I need to go collect, I shall be going up in the car in my PJ's, so far I have only had 2 glasses of lucozade and a piece and a half of dry toast!

Off now

See you soon x

W

Got a new labrador!

I got me a chocolate labrador to go with the black one!  She hasn't been particularly happy in her previous home, and is rather lively, likes to chew stuff and thankfully sleep!  In true lab style, on a sofa, on her back, paws in the air! She is rather greedy, Bramble is not, she can leave her dinner for another day, but Kenny likes her chow.

Haven't seen my BF for a while, not through choice but lack of opportunity at the minute.

3 yrs 4 months and counting till WM hits 16 and I can officially leave the marriage.

I have started my saving plan, got £200 so far, but need car serviced, car tax, new glasses, all pets vaccinated, (4 cats 2 dogs), so I'm guessing that my savings wont last long, WM needs a new bed too really as well.

Not heard re our PPI claim yet either!

Ordered an upgrade to my phone on Monday, for next day delivery, funnily enough it didnt arrive Tuesday, nor Wednesday, in fact despite many phone calls and online conversations, it hasn't arrived Thursday or Friday and looking at the snow it wont be here tomorrow either!

This is the new dog, the marks on her nose are from her harness so her owners say but the vet thinks from a muzzle being used long term in situ.

Hoping the marks fade and the fur grows back, hoping we become her forever family!

Sore mouth - wisdom tooth extraction

Well it's been a busy 2 weeks since X-mas, I had a panic attack the Friday after X-mas which I think was just because of the stress of the season, being the first one without my mum, dad had a migraine every day over X-mas too.

Worked NY eve, which was fun, Mr Invincible, who was showing off to some other blokes in waiting room, then when taken for his x-ray declared he had "shit himself", lovely!

Wednesday night I opened a tin of quality street, first one out of the tin was a toffee stick, and shortly after I had lost a filling from my wisdom tooth, managed to get to dentist on Thursday and he said best to pull the wisdom tooth, so I am still in agony now even though it is Monday night, hopefully the bruising and everything else will settle soon.

It's my birthday this week so I have decided to go out for a meal Saturday lunch time at a local pub, M1 said to me "we're not doing anything for your birthday so I'm off to museum for the day on Saturday"  so I tell him we are going for lunch, he then rings his friend and continues to organise the trip to museum, saying he really wants to go there, not celebrate even in a small way my birthday, needless to say even though I can't stand him I am feeling snubbed by his inability to commit to even a little thing like my birthday.  I'm sure it will be nicer without him anyway.

He was in a right strop today, I have a calendar with everyone's activities on it, so we all know who is doing what and when but he never looks and so therefore didn't know I was on leave tonight until I told him on Saturday, no idea why he is in a strop that I am off unless he is jealous that I have time off.

I really can't wait to have the IVA finished and to be able to sell this house and move on without him, I need at least 18 months once the IVA is done to save up some money for a deposit on another house, as the kids have insisted they will go with me.

And the amount of food he eats!  A whole pack of sausages on Thursday to himself, and they were bagged up by me from a 10lb pack from the farm shop so probably about 1.5lbs of sausages and a huge pan of pasta and sauce and stuff.  Greedy guts!

I saw the BF on Saturday but didn't get a hug or kiss or owt from him even though no one else was around, I don't know if that was because he didn't want to hurt me as my mouth was so sore or if he is going off me now.  :-( though he did give me a birthday card :-)

This is Bramble looking cute, and she definitely loves me!

I am off to take her a walk on Thursday with another labrador, a chocolate one, who needs rehoming, and see if they get on, with a view to taking on the other dog, maybe M1 will leave if I have 2....maybe not.....